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Page last updated April 19, 2001

 

The Ha Ha Page 10

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~ A Woman's Random Thoughts ~

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch. . . do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older then 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

~ thanks Audra ~

 

~ True Love? ~

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"

"$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman.

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."

Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.

She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.

About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your a$$ is outta here."

~ thanks Audra ~

 

Did You Know ... Do you Care??

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it ... seeing I don't even drink coffee!!)

2. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Beans are pretty cheap ... just think of the savings!)

3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Wonder what other body "fluids" they've tested!)

4. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (No doubt about it ... In my next life I want to be a pig!)

5. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

6. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (I know I get lotsa pleasure *grin*!)

7. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. (Actually the thought of spiders crawling all over me when I'm dead scares me ... I won't be able to brush them off of me then!)

8. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm!!)

9. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. (Damn!)

10. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. (Now isn't that a visual? Old Macdonald had a farm!)

11. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. (I only use email now ... trying to stick to my diet!)

12. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. (Especially on New Year's Eve!)

13. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (Hmmm ... I use both hands.)

14. In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. (I thought "waxing" originated in Egypt ... ouch!)

15. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. (Who cares?)

16. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (Wonder how many "beverages" the scientist that conducted this experiment had before he came to this conclusion.)

17. Polar bears are left handed. (Does that mean they live 9 years less than if they were right handed?)

18. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds; that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds. (Smells like fish tastes like chicken?)

19. The flea can jump 350 times its body length ... it's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (Forget the flea circus ... let's sign up some of these fleas in the NFL.)

20. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)

21. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Wonder if that is where the phrase "giving head" came from!)

22. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (As much as I love the Big Cats ... in my next life I still want to be a pig ...  quantity over quality! ... LOL)

23. Butterflies taste with their feet. (Tiptoe through the tulips!)

24. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (Thank goodness ... can you imagine the "thud" when they landed?)

25. A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (A scientist from the 60's figured this one out no doubt!)

26. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know a few people like that!)

27. Starfishes haven't got brains. (I know a few people like that too!)

After reading all these, all I can say is "Damn Pigs"

~ thanks Audra ~

 

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