~ Read the Instructions ~

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

~ On Sears hairdryer ~

Do not use while sleeping.

(Gee, but that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

~ On a bag of Fritos ~

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(The shoplifter special!)

~ On a bar of Dial soap ~

Directions: Use like regular soap.

(And that would be how?)

~ On some Swann frozen dinners ~

Serving suggestion: Defrost.

(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

~ On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box ~

Fits one head.

(Excuse me? Do most of your guests have 2 heads?)

~ On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) ~

Do not turn upside down.

(*ploop* Too late! You lose!)

~ On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding ~

Product will be hot after heating.

(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

~ On packaging for a Rowenta iron ~

Do not iron clothes on body.

(But wouldn't that save more time?)

~ On Boot's Children's cough medicine ~

Do not drive car or operate machinery.

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5-year-olds off those fork lifts.)

~ On Nytol sleep aid ~

Warning: may cause drowsiness.

(One could only hope!)

~ On a Korean kitchen knife ~

Warning keep out of children.

(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

~ On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights ~

For indoor or outdoor use only.

(As opposed to use where? Outer space?)

~ On a Japanese food processor ~

Not to be used for the other use.

(Now this one has me curious!)

~ On Sainsbury's peanuts ~

Warning: Contains nuts.

(Now how on earth did they figure THAT one out?)

~ On an American Airlines packet of nuts ~

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

(Thanks, cuz I was thinking it was my complimentary pillow.)

~ On a Swedish chainsaw ~

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

(What is this, a home castration kit?)

~ On a child's superman costume ~

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

~ thanks BlueEyes ~

Remember: when someone annoys you

It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown

BUT

It only takes 4 muscles to extend your

arm and SMACK the a$$hole upside the head!

~ thanks BabyBlues ~

20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS:

1/... Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings ... they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2/... If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos ... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3/... Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4/... Eagles may soar ... but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5/... Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6/... A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.

7/... Plagiarism saves time.

8/... If at first you don't succeed ... try management.

9/... Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10/... TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11/... The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12/... Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13/... We waste time ... so you don't have to.

14/... Hang in there ... retirement is only thirty years away!

15/... Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like the incompetent slacker he/she is.

16/... A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17/... When the going gets tough ... the tough take a coffee break.

18/... INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19/... Succeed in spite of management.

20/... Aim Low ... Reach Your Goals ... Avoid Disappointment!

~ thanks Jason ~

Oh Holy Night

You do know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don't you?

They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole & given practical gifts!

~ thanks Bethe ~

Bottoms Up!

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,"I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry", the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't ... not with a carnation anyway."

~ thanks Dana ~

~ Giving Him the Finger ~

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail. A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots butt, and the action immediately stopped. The lady was amazed.

"How did you do that?" she asked. The little boy said, "Oh ... that's my dog! I know he can dish it out, but he can't take it!"

~ thanks Smurk ~