~ KIDS' INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE ~

• When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him by asking "Is that a trick question?"

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom but only when she's on the phone.

• Never spit when on a roller coaster.

Don't flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower.

• Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

• Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

• Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.

• Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes.

Never tell your mom her diet is not working.

• When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

• Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Stay away from prunes.

• Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.

• Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

Never try to baptize a cat.

~ thanks Dana ~

T-SHIRTS SLOGANS FOR WOMEN WHO TAKE NO CRAP !!

1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

4. Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.

5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk & pi$$ you off at the same time.

7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

8. You have the right to remain silent, so SHUT THE F**K UP!

9. Don't pi$$ me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

10. Guys have feelings too. But like ... who cares?

11. I don't believe in miracles ... I rely on them.

12. Next mood swing ... 6 minutes and counting.

13. I hate everybody and you're next buckwheat!

14. Please don't make me hurt you.

15. And your point is...?

16. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

17. All stressed out and no one to choke.

18. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

19. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

20. Sorry if I looked interested ... I'm NOT!

~ thanks hungryhusker ~

What I said is NOT what you heard ...

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar, but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, she's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see her?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said, so he asks her for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked her for a 12-inch Bic??"

~ thanks BabyBlues ~

~ Touchy Feely ~

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an up scale restaurant establishment.  She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.  When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?" she asks; now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replies. "I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager, clearly aroused, "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues seductively, placing a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or hand towels in the ladies room."

~ thanks Perry A Water ~

~ WANT ADS ~

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Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

• Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

• For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

• Unemployed honest man. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

• Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard- to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

• Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

~ thanks Suzette ~

She was so blonde that...

* She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.

* She tripped over a cordless phone.

* She put lipstick on her forehead because she  wanted to make up her mind.

* She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

* She told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".

* They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

* She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put "Sagittarius".

* If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

~ thanks Kate Lynn Williams ~