The Web of Life

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Page last updated April 19, 2001

 

Morning Prayer

Author Unknown

Dear God,

So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been grumpy, nasty, or selfish and I'm real glad of that.

But in a few minutes God I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot of help!!

Amen

 

Let me hear an A-M-E-N

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains.

 

As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian."

Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."

~ Thanks BabyBlues ~

 

Let there be a Sign

There was a lady about seven months pregnant that got on a bus.  She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.   She immediately moved to another seat.  This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.  The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

speaker_man.gif (11017 bytes) When the case came up in court the judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.  She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming' and I had to smile."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to grin. Then she sat under a sign that said 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick' I could hardly control myself."

"BUT ... when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident' I laughed out loud."

 

"Case Dismissed"

said the Judge.

~ Thanks BabyBlues ~

 

The Infamous Trouser Snake

LATIN NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius"

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower frontal abdomen,resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling occurs followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the lower posterior section, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However,once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote to me.

* WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED *

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the initial bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reportedly successful.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, starting to spit.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last known time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15 - 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and when treated with the right kind of respect, makes a wonderful pet!

~ Thanks BabyBlues ~

 

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